Good Afternoon............
I want to speak to those of you who have escaped from your abuser.........
While I know that it can be a frightening time, you need to do all that is necessary to protect yourself. Sometimes it means putting your 'big girl panties' on and create a backbone where you may have never felt one before. (Again, this goes for both men and women... I just report from my own personal standpoint, but this happens to men as well!)
When I first left my verbal abuser, he would not stop calling me, my kids and my friend with whom we were staying with in the beginning. I contacted the police at the start saying that I didn't want any problems, I just wanted him to leave us alone. I went through that twice with the cops stopping in to see him, telling him to leave the kids and I alone and he still refused to listen to law enforcement. One of the deputies suggested I get a 'Restraining Order'. I went the next morning to the court house to do just that. He was driving around town looking for me and called my cell phone and left a derogatory message WHILE I was in the court house filling out the paperwork!
What I didn't know at that moment was that the initial paperwork was only temporary and I was going to have to go to court to obtain more time on the order. It scared me to the bone, but I knew I needed to do it, for my kids and for myself. When he gets angry, he gets totally belligerent. He's a loose cannon and you don't know what he may do.
The day he was supposed to show up for the court hearing, he wouldn't come. He verbally accosted me twice on the way to the court house. Once just outside of my work and again right outside of the court house.
I went to court, shaky legs and all, fearing that he would show up in the court room doing who knows what. He never did show up, but I spoke with the city police about the incident. Because he broke the Restraining/No Contact Order, they made me aware that they would be arresting him. The old me would have said, "No!", out of fear, but the newborn me said, "Do what you have to do".
Long story short, in attempting to stop him, they put out 'stop sticks' and the Chief of Police tried to wave him down to stop him before he ran over the sticks. Instead, he tried to run over the Chief of Police! It then took at least 5 officers to restrain him. (He only weighs about 170 lbs. so don't underestimate anyone!) He was arrested and spent the next 9 months in jail.
He's out now and only moments ago, just drove past my home. Yes........... he's always watching, but I am too.
Our daughter is getting married in less than a month and I've done something crazy. I sent a letter to the Judge to see if he would allow both of us to be at the wedding and reception and the Judge authorized it. The 'No Contact' order is in place until August 30, 2015. I requested it remain in place after the wedding.
I did it for my daughter and I'm happy for her wedding, but at the same time I'm dreading it with a passion. I don't want to be anywhere near him! He still does scare me. I was married to him for 20 years, so you'd think I'd just be used to him, but I just don't trust him. He was diagnosed with Personality Disorder/Borderline Bi-Polar Disorder and doesn't think with much rationality or logic.
In the end, I want you to assess your situation and reach out for the help/protection you need. Now is not the time to shrug back into your shell. Surround yourself with friends and family who will support you. Take someone with you to your local police department or court house and take the appropriate measures to protect yourself and your kids from any unnecessary harm.
How many news reports do we need to see of people getting seriously injured or killed in domestic disputes before we stand up for ourselves and do something?
Praying for your strength!
Be Blessed and Be Safe!!
Penny
Monday, May 13, 2013
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Therapy
When you're working on leaving or have removed yourself from a verbally and/or physically abusive relationship, you need to consider therapy...........
In years past, people were stigmatized for going to therapy. They were thought to be crazy, insane, coo coo, or any other number of names associated with it. People were looked down upon and if you had any sense of self worth, you'd avoid therapy at all costs to avoid the label. Nowadays, therapy is socially accepted and actually more than likely expected, recommended, or prescribed.
After living in a traumatic atmosphere, many people suffer from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). PTSD used to only be associated with the effects of war. This is not the only case anymore. There are varying degrees of PTSD, but none should be taken lightly. It messes with a person mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Sometimes therapy alone can help. Sometimes, medications are also brought into play.
Medications were also stigmatized and sometimes still are, but the right ones can bring you out of a cloud of depression. Are they a cure all? No. But in certain instances, they are a total blessing.
If you begin therapy, as I did, and are told that you're suffering from PTSD, don't be alarmed. Continue with therapy and take each day as it comes. Should your therapist suggest you seek out medications, do your homework and discuss with the staff RN. Tell him/her your fears, questions and perceptions. They'll be more than happy to explain things to you and find what's best for you. Sometimes it's trial and error at first, but eventually you'll find something that will work for you. Don't give up!
My therapist tried to get me to see the nurse about medications for months and I resisted due to fear. I didn't want to get 'hooked', I didn't want it to raise my blood pressure and I certainly didn't want it to change me into someone/something I'm not.
I'm happy to report that I finally went to the nurse September 2012 and found a mild anti-depressant that works wonderfully! I didn't realize HOW depressed I was until the cloud started to lift. It didn't raise my blood pressure, I'm my same self, only less depressed and I'm not 'hooked'.
I felt it was important to share this with you. I know it's a little scary and unnerving to take steps towards therapy and possibly taking medications, but you deserve to heal. It's no different than someone going to the doctor when they've had an accident or are sick. We all need help at times and this is no different. In my opinion, it's even more important!
Your sanity and peace and happiness are priceless. Don't sacrifice them to stay stuck in a rut. Love yourself enough to seek the help you need!
Be Blessed and Be Safe!
Penny
In years past, people were stigmatized for going to therapy. They were thought to be crazy, insane, coo coo, or any other number of names associated with it. People were looked down upon and if you had any sense of self worth, you'd avoid therapy at all costs to avoid the label. Nowadays, therapy is socially accepted and actually more than likely expected, recommended, or prescribed.
After living in a traumatic atmosphere, many people suffer from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). PTSD used to only be associated with the effects of war. This is not the only case anymore. There are varying degrees of PTSD, but none should be taken lightly. It messes with a person mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Sometimes therapy alone can help. Sometimes, medications are also brought into play.
Medications were also stigmatized and sometimes still are, but the right ones can bring you out of a cloud of depression. Are they a cure all? No. But in certain instances, they are a total blessing.
If you begin therapy, as I did, and are told that you're suffering from PTSD, don't be alarmed. Continue with therapy and take each day as it comes. Should your therapist suggest you seek out medications, do your homework and discuss with the staff RN. Tell him/her your fears, questions and perceptions. They'll be more than happy to explain things to you and find what's best for you. Sometimes it's trial and error at first, but eventually you'll find something that will work for you. Don't give up!
My therapist tried to get me to see the nurse about medications for months and I resisted due to fear. I didn't want to get 'hooked', I didn't want it to raise my blood pressure and I certainly didn't want it to change me into someone/something I'm not.
I'm happy to report that I finally went to the nurse September 2012 and found a mild anti-depressant that works wonderfully! I didn't realize HOW depressed I was until the cloud started to lift. It didn't raise my blood pressure, I'm my same self, only less depressed and I'm not 'hooked'.
I felt it was important to share this with you. I know it's a little scary and unnerving to take steps towards therapy and possibly taking medications, but you deserve to heal. It's no different than someone going to the doctor when they've had an accident or are sick. We all need help at times and this is no different. In my opinion, it's even more important!
Your sanity and peace and happiness are priceless. Don't sacrifice them to stay stuck in a rut. Love yourself enough to seek the help you need!
Be Blessed and Be Safe!
Penny
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Walking on Eggshells..................
This afternoon I want to speak to you about egg shells............
Dictionary.com says : walk on eggshells : to be very cautious or diplomatic for fear of upsetting someone
When you live with someone who has anger issues, you tend to get into a routine of 'walking on eggshells' to avoid the probable explosion. It's usually not a matter of IF it will happen, but WHEN. The sad fact is, you never know WHAT will set him/her off. It could be the smallest, most insignificant thing, but it will send them over the edge.
Living with my former spouse for over 20 years, I came to walk very lightly around him a good majority of the time. I never knew which side of him I would come home to. He could be sweet and loving, or he could have the house or yard torn apart, ranting and screaming all the while because things weren't the way HE thought they should be.
Our children learned, at a very young age, to fear him and to walk on eggshells. That's a horrible way for children to live.
We all need correction and guidance from time to time, but all needs to be done in love not radical anger.
Do you live with someone you suspect has Personality Disorder? I read a great book and suggest you read it as well.........
It's called "Why is he so mean to me?" by Cindy Burrell.
It was a real page turner for me. I always told my friends I just wanted him to be nice to me. I didn't ask for jewels, fancy cars or fancy homes, just kindness. This book really hit home for me.
If you're walking on eggshells, PLEASE assess your situation. Are you living with someone rational or irrational? Take whatever measures necessary to be safe. Every couple has the occasional argument, but if it's on a regular basis (every few days, every other day or every day), seek counsel as to what to do next.
If you can convince your spouse/significant other to go to counseling, GREAT!! I think it's something we all need. If not, I suggest Godly counsel. Pray about it and talk with someone you trust.
Be blessed & be safe!!
Penny
Dictionary.com says : walk on eggshells : to be very cautious or diplomatic for fear of upsetting someone
When you live with someone who has anger issues, you tend to get into a routine of 'walking on eggshells' to avoid the probable explosion. It's usually not a matter of IF it will happen, but WHEN. The sad fact is, you never know WHAT will set him/her off. It could be the smallest, most insignificant thing, but it will send them over the edge.
Living with my former spouse for over 20 years, I came to walk very lightly around him a good majority of the time. I never knew which side of him I would come home to. He could be sweet and loving, or he could have the house or yard torn apart, ranting and screaming all the while because things weren't the way HE thought they should be.
Our children learned, at a very young age, to fear him and to walk on eggshells. That's a horrible way for children to live.
We all need correction and guidance from time to time, but all needs to be done in love not radical anger.
Do you live with someone you suspect has Personality Disorder? I read a great book and suggest you read it as well.........
It's called "Why is he so mean to me?" by Cindy Burrell.
It was a real page turner for me. I always told my friends I just wanted him to be nice to me. I didn't ask for jewels, fancy cars or fancy homes, just kindness. This book really hit home for me.
If you're walking on eggshells, PLEASE assess your situation. Are you living with someone rational or irrational? Take whatever measures necessary to be safe. Every couple has the occasional argument, but if it's on a regular basis (every few days, every other day or every day), seek counsel as to what to do next.
If you can convince your spouse/significant other to go to counseling, GREAT!! I think it's something we all need. If not, I suggest Godly counsel. Pray about it and talk with someone you trust.
Be blessed & be safe!!
Penny
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Personality Disorder
Good Afternoon!
As promised, below is a list of the different types of Personality Disorders. A person diagnosed can have only a few or a great many of these.
If you're in a relationship with someone and it doesn't feel right, (they're controlling verbally abusive, manipulative) you may want to read through these and see if any of them ring true to your situation. Before my former husband was diagnosed, I had never heard of Personality Disorder. I thought it was a polite way to say he was an angry bully. Little did I know that it goes even deeper. Also, it doesn't matter what gender a person is. Both men and women have been diagnosed with Personality Disorder. My situation just happens to be my former husband, but I know there are men going through the same thing with their wife/girlfriend in their life.
The
10 personality disorders listed in DSM-IV-TR include:
- Paranoid personality disorder . The individual affected with this disorder believes in general that people will exploit, harm, or deceive him or her, even if there is no evidence to support this belief.
- Schizoid personality disorder . The individual with this disorder seems to lack desire for intimacy or belonging in a social group, and often chooses being alone to being with others. This individual also tends not to show a full range of emotions.
- Schizotypal personality disorder . With this disorder, the affected person is uncomfortable with (and may be unable to sustain) close relationships, and also has odd behaviors and thoughts that would typically be viewed by others as eccentric, erratic, and bizarre.
- Antisocial personality disorder . Individuals with this disorder have no regard for the rights of others. Other, recent names associated with this personality type are psychopath and sociopath. Unable to base their actions on anything except their own immediate desires, persons with this disorder demonstrate a pattern of impulsive, irresponsible, thoughtless, and sometimes criminal behavior. They are often intelligent, articulate individuals with an ability to charm and manipulate others; at their most dangerous, they can become violent criminals who are particularly dangerous to society because of their ability to gain the trust of others combined with their lack of conscience or remorse.
- Borderline personality disorder . People with this disorder are unstable in their relationships, decisions, moods, and self-perceptions. These individuals are often impulsive and insecure.
- Histrionic personality disorder . The behavior of individuals of this personality type is characterized by persistent attention-seeking, exaggerated emotional displays (such as tantrums), and overreaction to trivial problems and events.
- Narcissistic personality disorder . This disorder consists primarily of an inflated sense of self-importance coupled with a lack of empathy for others. Individuals with this disorder display an exaggerated sense of their own importance and abilities and tend to fantasize about them. Such persons also have a sense of entitlement, expecting (and taking for granted) special treatment and concessions from others. Paradoxically, individuals with narcissistic personality disorder are generally very insecure and suffer from low self-esteem.
- Avoidant personality disorder . This disorder has characteristics that resemble those of social phobia , including hypersensitivity to possible rejection and the resulting social withdrawal in spite of a strong need for love and acceptance. Individuals with this disorder are inhibited and feel inadequate in social situations.
- Dependent personality disorder . Persons with dependent personality disorder are extremely passive and tend to subordinate their own needs to those of others. Due to their lack of self-confidence, they avoid asserting themselves and allow others to take responsibility for their lives.
- Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder . This disorder is characterized by a preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, and control.
Read more: Personality disorders - DSM, functioning, therapy, withdrawal, people, traits, Definition, Description http://www.minddisorders.com/Ob-Ps/Personality-disorders.html#ixzz1yBGqozTE
I just thought I would include the above information in this blog as a reference tool.
I pray that this information blesses you in one way or another. I believe that knowledge is power. Arm yourselves with this knowledge and also search the web for additional information. That's what I've been doing for the past couple of years, trying to learn more because it's so baffling to have a person treat you this way and not have any path of rational thinking.
My therapist gave me a visual to better help me understand. If you take both hands in front of you and put the tips of your fingers together to each hand (thumb to thumb, first finger to first finger, etc...) this represents the connections a rational person's brain makes. Slightly pull your finger tips apart and miss touching them together by going in between your fingers and this is the 'missed' connection that an irrational person's brain has. It can't make the connection and probably won't ever be able to. At least for me, that was difficult to wrap my own mind around and is something I need to remind myself of on a regular basis. I just always used to think that everyone thought rationally and had common sense. The older I get, the more I realize this isn't so.
I always wished he would "just be nice to me". I couldn't understand why he couldn't see the fear in the eyes of our children when he would scream and throw things. He was in a different 'Zone'. We learned the art of 'Walking on Eggshells'. That's more for my next segment.
NEVER think that you CAN'T escape. There is ALWAYS a way to get out and people who are willing to help you. Keeping yourself and your children in a destructive relationship will only continue to hurt all involved. If you can find a way, watch yesterday and today's episode of Dr. Phil. At times, I'm shocked that he doesn't come out of his chair at the guy he's interviewing. He's demoralized his girlfriend, threatened to kill her, etc.....
YES!! A THOUSAND TIMES YES!!! YOU CAN GET HELP!! God gets all the glory for helping me out of my situation. When I handed it ALL over to Him and told Him I couldn't do it anymore and that if it was His will for my kids and I to be out of that situation, He would need to make a way and HE DID!! He will for you too! Just trust Him!! :)
Be blessed and be safe!
Penny
Friday, April 26, 2013
RECOVERY AND PEACE..................
It has been a long time coming, but I'm finally finding out what true peace and happiness are all about. After years of verbal abuse, I am divorced and enjoying a new found freedom that I've never really had before!
Although I'm not the most eloquent writer, I will take you on a bit of my journey as I get stronger.
I was in a relationship of fear. I experienced a great deal of anxiety and it wasn't until I began seeking therapy that I was diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I was in a depressed funk and didn't totally realize it. My life had become "normal" in that state of mind and at that point I didn't know any better. After months of therapy and finally taking a mild depression medication, I began to realize it WASN'T agonizing to get up and put my makeup on in the morning! That may sound ridiculous to some, but it was where I was at.
My former husband has been diagnosed with Personality Disorder. Mental illness can be very debilitating, not only for the individual, but also for those around him/her. While medications are prescribed, there is no "Magic Pill" to fix the issues. It takes a lot of therapy, the right meds and a willingness from the individual to step in the right direction. Without the willingness, no amount of therapy or meds will work. The older a person gets who has had Personality Disorder undiagnosed, the more likelihood that change won't occur. Part of the actions come from years of learned behaviors.
In my next blog, I'll delve more into the types of Personality Disorder to give you a better look at what it actually is. Until my former husband was diagnosed, I had never even heard of it. I've been educating myself and I'll share those findings with you too.
Until we meet again............................
Blessings & Peace to you!!
Penny
It has been a long time coming, but I'm finally finding out what true peace and happiness are all about. After years of verbal abuse, I am divorced and enjoying a new found freedom that I've never really had before!
Although I'm not the most eloquent writer, I will take you on a bit of my journey as I get stronger.
I was in a relationship of fear. I experienced a great deal of anxiety and it wasn't until I began seeking therapy that I was diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I was in a depressed funk and didn't totally realize it. My life had become "normal" in that state of mind and at that point I didn't know any better. After months of therapy and finally taking a mild depression medication, I began to realize it WASN'T agonizing to get up and put my makeup on in the morning! That may sound ridiculous to some, but it was where I was at.
My former husband has been diagnosed with Personality Disorder. Mental illness can be very debilitating, not only for the individual, but also for those around him/her. While medications are prescribed, there is no "Magic Pill" to fix the issues. It takes a lot of therapy, the right meds and a willingness from the individual to step in the right direction. Without the willingness, no amount of therapy or meds will work. The older a person gets who has had Personality Disorder undiagnosed, the more likelihood that change won't occur. Part of the actions come from years of learned behaviors.
In my next blog, I'll delve more into the types of Personality Disorder to give you a better look at what it actually is. Until my former husband was diagnosed, I had never even heard of it. I've been educating myself and I'll share those findings with you too.
Until we meet again............................
Blessings & Peace to you!!
Penny
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